Okay. I’m officially in my feelings. The emotion from everything that happened last night is finally starting to kick in. And it’s leaving me wondering; why do I care? Why does the thought of him saying “I can’t be friends with you because I love you” scare me to death. On one hand I know my feelings aren’t love, but of they are strong enough for me to be obsessing over the fear of him walking away they must be deeper than I thought. I care about him so much, and it kills me to know I’m hurting him. But I’m hurt too, dammit! I can’t just fall back in love because he’s really ready this time. Because he says he won’t cheat on me again. Am I just supposed to forget the past five months? It killed me having to walk away. And he didn’t stop me! He broke my heart and crushed my spirit and let me walk away broken without trying to help. I can’t just trust him fully now….can I? I guess the question is can I make this leap of faith again and just trust that he’ll catch me? What I want to do is just take things slow and if I fall again then I’ll take the plunge. I just pray hope and wish he can wait for me. I think that’s what scares me, that I’ll fall and he’ll have moved on. Because I can’t expect him to wait. But I pray he does.
I know it not easy, loving me when I don’t feel the same. But I am terrified that you will leave me. And I can’t lose you again.
I thought I would regret last night. I thought I would wake up feeling horrible. But I don’t. I feel fine. I kind of feel bad because things got a little heavy and emotional and certain parts but all in all I don’t feel bad. And I figured this needed documenting.
*(I spent the night at Edwards and we hooked up)
I miss Jeffrey and Edward. I wonder what they’re doing tonight.
